Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Living Overseas isn't an Adventure, it's a Life

Maybe it's the fact that I turn 40 this year and I am waving at the people-pleasing thirties in the rearview mirror.

Maybe it's because I'm living overseas and I get to post things like this online, not having to watch the facial expressions of my friends as they read my ridiculousness.

Picking up the calling to live and work overseas is not an adventure. We need to stop using that word. We try to sweeten the grief of saying good-bye to our passport country by using the word, "adventure." It's been written in letters of encouragement; put on index cards and surrounded by butterflies; tagged on a Facebook post with mountains while wearing red North Face jackets and black-strapped Chacos.

Let's make it all stop.

Each time we say these things to another person moving overseas, we are setting them up to stay short term. As they pack their bags and dream of "adventure," they are slowly telling the Lord, "This had better be fun or I'm out."

I realize that some people intentionally sign up for one or two years overseas, and that's great. But here's the reality, if you love Jesus and are moving overseas in order to make Him known in a new country than this is going to take a longer commitment. With a life commitment overseas, most days will not be filled with adventure.

Your pictures might look adventurous, but there are actual moments behind those crusty pagodas and exotic jumping tribes. Are there adventurous days? Yes. But there were also adventurous days when I lived in a suburb of North Houston. When you see pictures of your friends backpacking through Cambodia in order to find an unreached people group, you also need to know that they most likely camped in a cave and wore wet socks for three days.


They most likely reached their destination and failed to find a single villager. This is not an adventure, it's a frustration. But this frustration is worth it and that is why we do it.

Honestly, I get nervous for many of these young men and women raising their hands in an emotional flurry, committing to move overseas. While it's exciting to move to a new country, we need people to actually stay and that is going to require us getting over the adventure piece. If you stay for a year, you will probably return feeling like it's an adventure. But what we need over here are people who stay for the long haul. People that learn language, buy local, pee in outhouses at their friend's home, and become ok with rolling power outages. Adventure needs to take a back seat to real life. Life is only adventurous to the degree that we allow the Lord to intersects our lives with others.

I have loved all the moments of life overseas, but I will say that I've loved them because of how they have refined me as a Christian woman and not because they've all been fun. We have to start believing that God wants us to stay overseas for more than a year or two an that's going to require us to recalibrate our expectations. For some of us, that will mean that we will remain single for a really long time. Others of us have signed up to raise our children thousands of miles from their grandparents. These realities are very much not adventurous, they are simply hard. But the hard is where the Lord meets us to fold our lives into His.

And that is always the adventure. 

Sunday, January 03, 2016

Letter to my friends

To my friends from my passport country-

I'm sorry that we sat by the campfire that night and I didn't know what to say. Our lives have been piling forward on different continents for some time now. I desperately want you to understand my life in China, but my stories of duck blood hot pot or 6 am wedding processions seem to be a compilation of snippets rather than a constructed life story. I've tried to mold my life experience into something palatable for you, but I'm afraid that I've failed over and over again. A decade has gone by since I've been able to call you at 8 and meet with you by 9.

Friends have attended your baby showers, I have commented on Instagram.

Your small group brought you dinner when you were sick, I sent you an emoji of a penguin in hopes it made you smile.

I walked with you through grief in a few 45 minute Skype conversations.

I realize it's been hard to be friends over the internet. But what I want you to know is that my lack of physical presence doesn't mean I don't need you in my world. I think it's easy for us both to forget that as our lives press forward, there is a person on the other side of the world who loves us and needs to hear from us. I've failed at this more times than is possible to count. Time zones have made me late to wish you happy birthday. By not checking Facebook, I've totally missed your son's broken arm.

Don't give up on those of us who live overseas. We are all thankful to God that technology allows us to text you from 8,000 miles away. While it might seem we are living these radical lives for Jesus, we need you to ask us hard questions.We need you to see the person and not just the job we've been called to.

One of the things we crave overseas are people with whom we have history. It is balm for the soul to have a friend who knew you when you stayed up too late while sleeping on a pier. We still love hearing about the time you cried when the grocery store ran out of Cheez-its.

I get it. This friendship is hard. But thank you for sticking it out with me.

I might present myself as stoic, but in reality I am needy.

We need your prayers.

We need your perspective.

We need your presence.

Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Gluten Free cooking in China

After grieving the loss of homemade bagels and pumpkin spice coffee creamer sent lugged in suitcases, I decided to put on my big girl pants and learn to cook gluten free in China. I could almost live on bread alone, so this has been quite a journey for me and my stomach. About a year and a half ago my stomach took an early retirement from all the things I was feeding it-straight up packed a bag and moved south. After exiting denial, I found that I've really enjoyed eating GF now. Doing this in China can be tricky, but not impossible. You just don't have to opportunity to spend $85 on a loaf of gluten free bread. You simply have to make it. 

A few of my favorite websites:

Tons of recipes that are relatively simply. I’ve been using sunflower seed oil instead of grapeseed oil (or any of the other specialty oils she uses) and it’s worked fine. I actually use sunflower oil for all my cooking. I noticed a huge improvement in my stomach issues when I switched oils. Even olive oil was causing me issues. I can find sunflower seed oil locally, but if you can't, I linked it to TB. 

Lots of Indian recipes. Friend, she even has one for paleo Naan. I'm gonna name a house plant after this woman. We’ve been into curries lately, and her website is a definite go to for us. 

There are millions of great GF websites now. These are just the two I've been using lately. Really and truly, once I got used to cooking this way, I’m able to take standard recipes and make them GF pretty easily. 

Here’s the almond flour I get off TB:

This is for about a 3 cup bag. I just order 6 at a time and they’ve stayed fresh for awhile. I usually use them within a month and have had no problems with them going bad. When we were in the States last fall, I used Honey Mill almond flour. This flour is a little denser, but still works great. 

I also like to use buckwheat flour (荞麦粉 qiao2 main fen3)It has a little bit of a nutty flavor, but it binds really well. I failed miserably with a buckwheat bagel because I put more buckwheat than almond flour. If you add too more buckwheat than other flours, your bagel will taste like shoelaces. Trust me. 

Almond flour is pretty pricey, so I usually try and cut the almond flour with another type of flour. When you’re cooking for 7, I can’t justify spending 100 kuai making muffins. But cutting the almond flour with buckwheat has been a good cost saving shortcut. I have a local friend who can bring it to me, but I imagine you can buy this on TB. It imagine you might be able to find it locally as it’s a pretty common flour in Asia. 

I’ve also cut recipes with millet flour (小米分 xiao3 mi3 fen3), sweet potato starch (use in small amounts 地瓜粉 did gua1 fen3), corn flour (玉米粉 yu4 mi fen3. Some places, this word is also used for cornstarch. You just have to look at the color and texture ), mung bean flour (绿豆粉 lv4 dou4 fen3)。 All of these I’ve found at local stores pretty easily. Mung bean flour also binds well, but has a little bit more of a beany flavor, so I just don’t add as much. Try and look for the character 纯 (chun2), as it will let you know that the flour is pure. I haven't found that to always be the case, but for the most part, it's accurate. Oftentimes these flours will be mixed with wheat flour or they will be almond flavored wheat flour. The Chinese words can be the same, which can get a little tricky. The 纯 character should help clear some of that up. 

When I make pancakes I use corn flour 2/3 and buckwheat flour 1/3 together. and they’ve turned out wonderfully. I throw in several mashed bananas, some eggs, cinnamon, nutmeg, sometimes a little coconut milk and mix it into a batter. I have conformity issues, so very rarely do I stick to a recipe. It's a life long issue, I'm working on it. Kinda.

Soy sauce:

This is the bummer one with living here. But with these two sauces, I’ve really been able to make anything involving soy sauce. It made me super happy the day I found these on TB. I vividly remember sending texts to several people telling them what I found. These are both really big bottles. I do a lot of Chinese cooking, so I order a bunch at a time. They do have smaller bottles in the Braggs.  

Liquid Aminos. A lighter soy sauce flavor. 

  Tamari GF soy sauce. A little darker.

Tapioca Flour. (木薯淀粉  mu4 shut dian4 fen3) time I ordered a Bob’s Red Mill Tapioca flour Bob's Red Mill Tapioca Flour and loved it, but it’s too pricey. This one below is really more like a starch. You can find these at local stores pretty easily. I ordered this one on TB, but most of the time I just buy locally. Sometimes I use this as a filler, but only in small amount. It can make things a little pastey if you add too much. 

I’ve loved learning to cook with coconut milk. We’ve learned how to make awesome coffee ice cream. I also use it in my curries and add it to pancake batter to add some good fats. This TB store seems to be much cheaper than other places I’ve seen. 

Coconut flour:

I loved this flour. You pay a pretty price for that love though. All the other coconut flours I’ve found are more like coconut powdered drink. Because the Chinese is the same, it can be a ton of hit and miss finding these flours. 

Flaxseed (golden flaxseed: 黄金亚麻籽 huang2 jin1 ya3 ma2 zi3)

I just stick these seeds in my blender and turn them into flour. If you’ve ever cooked with whole wheat, think a similar texture when using flaxseed flour. It’s pretty coarse, so you don’t want to use a bunch. (you might already know all of these little suggestions. If so, just ignore me and take the links :) )You can sometimes find flaxseed at a local store that sells grains.

Both flaxseed and chia seed (soaked and ground) are good for binding things. This can be helpful as one of my daughters has an egg allergy. But sometimes you have to rely on science and use these egg replacers. They are gluten free, wheat free, no preservatives, artificial flavorings, sugar, or cholesterol because they are all chemicals. Awesome.

I would love to use chia seeds, but I haven’t found them affordable yet. I’ll let you know if I do.The tricky thing about GF baking is the binding. You can use Xanthan Gum to help it too, but I've found I don't often use it. 

Our whole family enjoys eating this way now. It took a little bit for me to learn how to cook so that my kids didn’t feel like they were missing out on everything. But now, they really do love it and even comment on how yucky they feel if they do eat wheat at a friend’s house. It really is hard at first, but stick with it. You will get there. Promise :)

Wednesday, July 08, 2015


I have had the honor of getting to write an article for the July issue of Global Missiology. This journal has worked with many groundbreaking thinkers that are pushing forward the conversation of missions and I'm thrilled to be a part of this edition.

I was asked to write an article peeling back the realities of a mom's role in the Great Commission. As a believer, a mom of 5 kids still has an integral role in the working out of Jesus' words to go to the nations and teach them to obey. This is a passion of mine because too often I see moms who are frustrated, bitter, resentful, and about to impale something. Hopefully we can bring some balance and health back to the expectations for moms. 

I attempted to begin the conversation HERE.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Guest Blogging at Overseas Mama: Language Learning Reminds me of Middle School

I had the honor of guest blogging today at  Overseas Mama today. Language learning as an overseas worker will throw you back to the middle school emotions of insecurity, fear, and general daily discomfort. Basically it makes you feel 14 again.

They've got some other great resources there too, so stay awhile.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

God gives us WAY more than we can handle

This morning I found myself simultaneously cooking 4 meals. Lunch for the husband and 2 kids, dinner for seven, chocolate granola bars for tomorrow's sale, lunch for our 20 person church. At one moment, my son asked me a question about his math problem and my daughter couldn't remember how to spell cylinder. While none of these things are monstrously stressful, the overwhelming few minutes of multi-tasking led me to a common motherhood mantra:

"God doesn't give me more than I can bear."

I whispered this "truth" to myself a few times as I stirred the peanut butter. Then I caught myself. I was comforting my mind with what feels like to be a Biblical truth but in fact is just a cute saying. While it might give me comfort in a moment, the truth is that it's not actually in the Bible. And if it's not in the Bible, I probably shouldn't be holding onto it with tight-fisted hope.

My hypothesis is that people are thinking of the verse that says,

"God will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear." (excerpt from 1 Cor. 10:13)

There is an important difference between the reading of these two verses.  The second verse is a glorious promise that we will never be crushed by temptation. God is faithful and will always provide a way of escape. He never leaves his children strangled by temptation.

In contrast, if we give into the idea that God doesn't give us more than we can bear, then when things get overwhelming we will look to eliminate tasks or people rather than introduce the strength of the Lord.  We will throw our arms up in the air to surrender and decide that never again are we having people over for dinner on a Tuesday night. Inadequacy and stress will capture our minds and we will forge our own defeat. At this point it's
important to frame inadequacy not as a defeat, but rather a rally call for the Lord to resume control.

Motherhood is a prime time to feel relentlessly self-sufficient. Rarely in a day does someone come up from behind you and offer to fold that laundry while you sip tea. Most of our day is wrapped in self-sufficient tasks that require us to man up. While our tasks require independence, the placement of our heart requires just the opposite. Our hearts need to lean into dependence on a Redeemer who has already claimed victory over every ridiculous sin our minds can think of.

God absolutely gives me more than I can handle. He gives us 5 children, homeschooling, cooking, working, being a wife, tragedies, broken arms, cultural missteps, frustrating land lords, and people who cut in line.

Feeling like we are sinking reveals that we have been swimming on our own for too long. The Lord wants to give us WAY more than we can handle so that we can see him show off, not just just show up. We need to treat God as not just our superhero that swoops down to save us in the nick of time. Instead, God is a King who has sent out an edict that says, "Don't worry, I've got this."

And that's a promise worth holding onto.

Thursday, May 07, 2015

Being Pile-Driven by a Blind Masseuse

When you look at the price and decide that a $10 hour long massage sounds heavenly, you need to be prepared for the very earthly aspect of blind massage. There is no diffusing jasmine and new-age pan flute lulling you into pampered bliss. As you walk inside, you are greeted by young men forming loogies and old women yelling about their boils. There's no spa to it. You get a massage because your muscles are broken. That is all.

The first indication that this will not be relaxing is the fact that everyone is dressed in a white overcoat and are referred to as doctors. Most of the hour is spent with them commentating on much improvement your body needs. I once had a blind massage man who kept squeezing my arms and telling me it was obvious that I didn't exercise.

These amazing men and women have either complete blindness or severe sight loss and a very heavy hand.

After you lay down and situate your face in that bed hole the game begins. I explained to the doctor that I had tweaked my neck the night before and she replied, "Well, this is going to take at least an hour."

She took her sledge hammer thumbs and started working on my neck. It was so painful that my hands went numb. I tried avoiding unconsciousness by reminding myself to buy eggs on the way home. I couldn't let my pain eek out because I wanted my neck fixed. She was pushing so hard on the back of my neck that I inadvertently started humming as she violated my vocal cords.

The pain on the left side of my neck started to ease as I began to rhythmically breathe loudly like I was some sort of race horse anticipating the starting gun. My palms were sweating and I realized that I had been chewing on the bed sheet that was pressed against my face as I lay in the bed hole. Sometimes there is brief yelping as if you've stuck your foot in boiling hot tar.

At one point, I channeled my inner "Rudy" so as to not roll off the bed and run out screaming of the room. If Rudy could play football for Notre Dame, I could endure the rest of my massage.

It was now time for my lower back. She employed both her elbows and was poking me with her index finger as she made her way down each side of my spine. I'm pretty sure I felt my non-funcionting right kidney start working right there on the bed.

Then comes the rub/pound combination. This is how most Chinese massages end. They rub your back as if to console you. Then she does the traditional chop chop to your spine, pats you twice like you're in the locker room and tells you, "You're good!" Then you're on your way. Well, you're on your way if you are still able to use your legs to support your body weight. It took me about 2 minutes to get blood moving back into my legs. I took a dizzy exit to the cashier, paid my $10, and walked out pain free!

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Our Corners


They're inherently defined, small, and cozy.

Sometimes they're dusty, war torn, and full of last week's hash browns.

I've struggled with this blog corner for some time now (allowing the last post date to be the screaming confessor of this). I've struggled because it doesn't feel big enough or viral enough to keep writing. If I could just come up with some ultimate "Let it Go" parody that would go viral...again. Or if I could write something witty about how moms need to stop worrying about perfection, but start worrying about eating GMOs, then someone somewhere would say I'm awesome.

And if I'm honest, I spend many wasted minutes of my day trying to figure out how to get others to think I'm awesome.

Or at least interesting.

Or even just ridiculous.

I've been craving adjectives.

These last few months I've spent looking to my left and to my right. Really looking into my people and I've come to see that I've bought into the lie that I NEED to be noticed by the masses in order to have value. Andy Crouch at Christianity Today is spot on when he says that in the West we have evolved into a 'fame culture.' A culture where ministry success is weighted according to high attendance and large Twitter followings. We've created a place where name dropping and conference hoarding have become the litmus test for whether or not we are accepted into certain communities.

This is a shame.

A shame because there are shy, introverted, non-social media people who are crushing it for Jesus. But somehow it doesn't seem like enough unless you document it along the way. No longer is getting honor from the Lord enough. We need a collective pat on the back in order to feel validated in our ministries and lives.

This makes the philosophical part of me panic. Once we as a Christian culture start taking our cues on success from numbers and popularity, we begin making hasty decisions. When we feel like we've gotta hurry up or get left behind, there becomes very little room for long-suffering and endurance. Anonymity and service look like traits belonging to the outed kid on the dodgeball team. But over and over again, this is what Jesus was doing.

He was picking up the towel to scrap the junk off the disciples' feet.

He was turning his head and healing unpopular, outcasted women.

He picked a rag tag group of men to call friends.

And yet here we are as a culture.

I don't know what this will mean for writing here. For me, I'm turning off the comments and the followers tab. It's a self-imposed fence to keep out my ego.

We've each been given a corner. Big people, little people, angry people, flighty people, hurting people, dying people. People who need my adjective to be: humble, fierce person of prayer, gracious, loyal, full of faith.

I am to be faithful to my little corner. You are to be faithful to yours.

 Let's let that be enough for today.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

6 reasons women give so they don't have to move overseas

One of the things I treasure about living overseas is that people often ask us questions about moving their families overseas. We take our role in this Goliath-sized decision as an honor and take it pretty seriously.

Many of the people we get to talk with are just finishing up college and weighing the options laid out before them. Fortunately or unfortunately, most of these conversations are happening with women. (More on why men are shoving their fingers in their ears when it comes to moving overseas in a later post.)

Here are 6 reasons I've heard as to why, "I just need to hear God more clearly," is code for, "Moving overseas scares the marrow in my bones and so therefore I'll just keep praying so that one day I can have a job in America and not have to get on that plane after all."

1.  God hasn’t called me.

At some point in modern Christendom, we've decided that we cannot hear God unless he visits us as a Siri-spirit and guides us audibly down every alley and stop sign we meet along the way. Certainly he speaks audibly to us at times, but he has also given us two wonderful megaphones to magnify his desires for us. One is Scripture and the other is community. 

If you are on board with the Great Commission, you need to know that God's will is that the nations be reached. With that, we can know 100% that God's will is for people to go overseas. There is confidence in this that if it isn't clear to us what the Lord's will is, serving overseas is. My hope is that more believers would default to going overseas and instead be "called" to stay in America. Unfortunately, the default is to staying in America.

2.  I want to have a husband first. Or, I want to let my kids get a little older and then we'll move.

I find myself often reminding young women that God never promises you a husband. This is a great video addressing singleness on mission.

About the kids things, actually, it is easier for them to acculturate when they don't know any differently. When kids are raised overseas, they don't miss things like 4th of July parades and choir practice because they've never had experience with those things. When you take an older child, sit them down one day, and tell them that you're moving 7,000 miles away from their soccer team, drama club, and best friend, things actually get a lot harder. They play a constant comparison with their new culture. Older kids can move overseas and flourish, but if you are waiting to move until they get a little older, I would say don't wait and move before they have roots established in America. 

3. I just want to get established for a few years and get some work experience.

You will never feel financially stable enough to move overseas, get married, have kids, or die. You just have to do it and then spend lots of time in prayer.

4. My parents will freak out. 

Yes they will. Expect this. They have dreams of bouncing a bubbly 2-year grandson on their knees and baking mud cakes with their grand daughters. You will be taking that from them. They will worry about your health, your safety, and your sanity. 

Parents are going to need time to let you go. Line up all the details you have and let them know you have a plan. Pray with them. Introduce them to someone who has just gotten back from where you are going. Show them how to cook a meal from your new country. At the end of the day, your parents simply want to know you are going to be ok. 

5. I'll do it for a few years and then I'll come back and get a "real" job.

I have some rather large rants in, "Redefining Home," about the lack of long term commitment to be overseas. Reaching the nations isn't an adventure or a hobby. It's a word from our Father in which he promises to be faithful. 

Living overseas is a real job concerning real people. They aren't projects or statistics. They are people. 

Enough on that. 

6.  I could never do that. That kind of life is for people stronger, braver, smarter, and godlier than me. 

If you've ever met me in real life, you wouldn't still be saying this. That aside, most of the men and women living overseas were at times seized in fear and doubt. 

Moses was confident in one thing as he looked at leading the Israelites. He was confident that he couldn't do it. Lead the people, stand up to Pharaoh, cross a river! All God had to do was remind Moses who he was. "I am your God."

He's our God too. He will remain faithful to his children when we do crazy things like pack up our family and move to a foreign culture, language, and people. It's when we forget who God actually is that we allow fear to continue to call the shots. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

4 things I learned by leaving social media for Lent

I’m not a normal subscriber to fasting for Lent. I’ve done it a few times, tossing out a token chocolate fast for good measure. This year, I decided to give up Facebook and Instagram for these 40 days. I had been feeling the strangle of social media for several months and decided there needed to be an untangling. A colon cleansing of sorts. 

I was thinking this through and trying to avoid it altogether when I was skyping with my best friend and she told me she was going to give up social media for Lent. I almost feigned a bad Skype connection so that I didn’t have to admit to her that I was thinking of doing the same thing. Now I had that blasted thing called accountability.

I learned a lot about my character and about owning my own junk these past 40 days. Blaming social media was replaced by naming my own misshaped desires and insufficient heart.

1. Social Media isn’t evil, but my heart can be.

    While social media can become a vacuum for productivity, sometimes we forget just where the problem lies. 
      With us.
      Squarely with us.
      If I am choosing to scrape through Facebook instead of making dinner, then I’m choosing indulgence over responsibility.

      Jeremiah 17 reminds us that, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desparately sick…

      A sick heart needs healing, not to my ignoring it by bandaging it with social media trivialities. But again, it’s not social media's fault. The apple wasn’t at fault in the garden. It was Eve’s deciding that God wasn’t enough that was her heart’s deception. I think there’s similar danger in our social media addictions. 

   2. Social media has exposed my desire to be known

One of the most vulnerable things I’ve learned was just how much I crave being known by people. I’ve struggled a lot with loneliness these last two years. Living overseas is isolating. But giving up social media made me realize that most of my loneliness was not a craving for community, but rather a craving for people to pay attention to me. I wanted someone to notice that I wasn’t at that birthday party and be sad because of it. This was especially apparent for the first week of the fast. I replaced my Facebook "quick looks," with email "quick looks."

It’s been good to separate loneliness from attention craving. I now understand that when I start to sense loneliness, I need to be sure it’s labeled correctly for my own heart’s sake.

3.   Social media reminds us of our need for community

I was grieved several times when I missed big events in my friends’ lives. I had several friends who would periodically send me emails to update me on things like: this person’s dad just had a heart attack; our adoption was denied; our adoption went through; I leave for South Sudan today. I missed getting to tell them I was praying for them or ask them how that doctor’s appointment went.

As long as it does not become an unhealthy dependency, our need for people is from the Lord. I Cor. 12 tells us that, “For in one Spirit we were ALL baptized into ONE body…” One functioning, synchronized body of Christ.

My natural disposition is to do it by myself.

My natural disposition is to get stressed out, overwhelmed, and void of joy.

I should not be surprised at the cause and effect.

I need community and I’m thankful to the Lord that we have social media that allows me to see that first birthday party of the friend’s daughter whom I’ve yet to hold. While social media can take us tempt us to avoid face to face interactions, it also allows to remain connected that is unprecedented in history.

4.   When we categorize social media as merely a time drain, we strip it’s ability for good.

We Americans like categories. Democrat/Republican; liberal/conservative; pro-life/pro-choice. When we slip social media into the “waste of time” file, we discount all the good things that can be done with it. Plenty of organizations are using it for advocacy and raising money for great causes. I’ve seen families decide to adopt because of a video they saw or article they read off Facebook. I’ve learned how to be better mom through blogs and articles found online. Redeeming social media is key-using it to move forward Christianly things in a progressive and gracious manner. God knew we’d have this push and pull with social media as we sit here in 2014. Let’s let it revolutionize the world instead of feeding our gluttonous hearts.

The pile of nastiness that can be dumped in and around our hearts can be overwhelming. But I know that tomorrow morning, new mercies are offered to me by the most generous of all Fathers. Thank you Jesus that I don’t have to muster up these heart changes on my own.
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