God gives us WAY more than we can handle

This morning I found myself simultaneously cooking 4 meals. Lunch for the husband and 2 kids, dinner for seven, chocolate granola bars for tomorrow's sale, lunch for our 20 person church. At one moment, my son asked me a question about his math problem and my daughter couldn't remember how to spell cylinder. While none of these things are monstrously stressful, the overwhelming few minutes of multi-tasking led me to a common motherhood mantra:

"God doesn't give me more than I can bear."

I whispered this "truth" to myself a few times as I stirred the peanut butter. Then I caught myself. I was comforting my mind with what feels like to be a Biblical truth but in fact is just a cute saying. While it might give me comfort in a moment, the truth is that it's not actually in the Bible. And if it's not in the Bible, I probably shouldn't be holding onto it with tight-fisted hope.

My hypothesis is that people are thinking of the verse that says,

"God will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear." (excerpt from 1 Cor. 10:13)

There is an important difference between the reading of these two verses.  The second verse is a glorious promise that we will never be crushed by temptation. God is faithful and will always provide a way of escape. He never leaves his children strangled by temptation.

In contrast, if we give into the idea that God doesn't give us more than we can bear, then when things get overwhelming we will look to eliminate tasks or people rather than introduce the strength of the Lord.  We will throw our arms up in the air to surrender and decide that never again are we having people over for dinner on a Tuesday night. Inadequacy and stress will capture our minds and we will forge our own defeat. At this point it's
important to frame inadequacy not as a defeat, but rather a rally call for the Lord to resume control.

Motherhood is a prime time to feel relentlessly self-sufficient. Rarely in a day does someone come up from behind you and offer to fold that laundry while you sip tea. Most of our day is wrapped in self-sufficient tasks that require us to man up. While our tasks require independence, the placement of our heart requires just the opposite. Our hearts need to lean into dependence on a Redeemer who has already claimed victory over every ridiculous sin our minds can think of.

God absolutely gives me more than I can handle. He gives us 5 children, homeschooling, cooking, working, being a wife, tragedies, broken arms, cultural missteps, frustrating land lords, and people who cut in line.

Feeling like we are sinking reveals that we have been swimming on our own for too long. The Lord wants to give us WAY more than we can handle so that we can see him show off, not just just show up. We need to treat God as not just our superhero that swoops down to save us in the nick of time. Instead, God is a King who has sent out an edict that says, "Don't worry, I've got this."

And that's a promise worth holding onto.

Our Corners

Corners.

They're inherently defined, small, and cozy.

Sometimes they're dusty, war torn, and full of last week's hash browns.

I've struggled with this blog corner for some time now (allowing the last post date to be the screaming confessor of this). I've struggled because it doesn't feel big enough or viral enough to keep writing. If I could just come up with some ultimate "Let it Go" parody that would go viral...again. Or if I could write something witty about how moms need to stop worrying about perfection, but start worrying about eating GMOs, then someone somewhere would say I'm awesome.

And if I'm honest, I spend many wasted minutes of my day trying to figure out how to get others to think I'm awesome.

Or at least interesting.

Or even just ridiculous.

I've been craving adjectives.

These last few months I've spent looking to my left and to my right. Really looking into my people and I've come to see that I've bought into the lie that I NEED to be noticed by the masses in order to have value. Andy Crouch at Christianity Today is spot on when he says that in the West we have evolved into a 'fame culture.' A culture where ministry success is weighted according to high attendance and large Twitter followings. We've created a place where name dropping and conference hoarding have become the litmus test for whether or not we are accepted into certain communities.

This is a shame.

A shame because there are shy, introverted, non-social media people who are crushing it for Jesus. But somehow it doesn't seem like enough unless you document it along the way. No longer is getting honor from the Lord enough. We need a collective pat on the back in order to feel validated in our ministries and lives.

This makes the philosophical part of me panic. Once we as a Christian culture start taking our cues on success from numbers and popularity, we begin making hasty decisions. When we feel like we've gotta hurry up or get left behind, there becomes very little room for long-suffering and endurance. Anonymity and service look like traits belonging to the outed kid on the dodgeball team. But over and over again, this is what Jesus was doing.

He was picking up the towel to scrap the junk off the disciples' feet.

He was turning his head and healing unpopular, outcasted women.

He picked a rag tag group of men to call friends.

And yet here we are as a culture.

I don't know what this will mean for writing here. For me, I'm turning off the comments and the followers tab. It's a self-imposed fence to keep out my ego.

We've each been given a corner. Big people, little people, angry people, flighty people, hurting people, dying people. People who need my adjective to be: humble, fierce person of prayer, gracious, loyal, full of faith.

I am to be faithful to my little corner. You are to be faithful to yours.

 Let's let that be enough for today.

Raising or Resenting our Kids

 

In my brief years of raising children, I have discovered that parents fall into one of two categories. Either parents become resentful or satisfied as their children grow up. The resentful parent will go through their children’s younger years pushing them from behind; hurried for them to become independent. They become tired and resentful because it requires so much from them. Or they jump in with both feet and become satisfied and thankful for their children. Consequently they experience the joys alongside of their kids. I realize that these are clear-cut categories that are actually murkier in real life. In general though I think that parents can be fit into one of these two categories of thinking.

The idea of becoming parents is tempting and satisfying because it’s the next logical step in life. I think that most people get to a point where they are prepared for parenthood, but not prepared for the sacrifice. Those who accept the sacrifice as a reality and even as a gift end up becoming parents who see kids as a joy instead of a burden.

As Christians we cry out our life’s goal as becoming more and more like Jesus. While this is an important goal, we need to remember Jesus’ life as a whole. We prefer to live like Jesus when he was showing mercy to the hemorrhaging woman or restoring the demoniac. We lay him out at the last supper, feeding and washing the feet of the disciples. Our minds seem to skip past the betrayal, suffering, mockery, and pain Jesus experienced here on earth. We picture the wonderful times he and the disciples spent feeding thousands and fishing late into the night. Or the times he had to rebuke the disciples for going about healing in a wrong way. He even went so far as to call Peter a name-Satan.

But Jesus continued to walk with them. He looked to the disciples as his children. Children who would get messy and say inappropriate things in the market. He was going to be needed to bind up wounds and explain why people gossip. He didn’t look down at them as children unworthy of his time or resources. He understood that his time with them would be short. He also knew that they would turn from him, thankless for the lives that he had given them. Yet he continued to walk with them, not resent them.

Did he have other things to do?  Sure. People from every crevice near and far wanted his attention. But over and over again, we see him piecing off and living with his disciples. He didn’t see his nurture and care for them as a waste of time. He saw it as part of his purpose on this earth. To help them understand what the Kingdom of God was like by knitting consistency and trust into the hearts of the disciples.

When we treat our kids like they are a burden or getting in the way of things we’d rather be doing, we are knitting holes into their understanding of the Lord. These holes add up to a shoddy, weak understanding of a faithful God. We won’t be perfect, but if we are consistent, repentant, humble, and honest then at least all the strings will be attached. The knitting might look lopsided or the wrong color, but at least there are not holes and gaps that are difficult to fill after that little one is old enough to fill it with other things. Let’s commit together as parents to put our whole selves into the task of parenting. To teach our children that committing to them is not only our gift to them, but a gift to us as well.

Intentional Parenting...it Doesn't Just Happen

Every time I post a parenting blog, I feel like this should be the warning label:

We are by no means perfect parents. My children don't wear pajamas, they fight over socks, and sometimes they pick an apple out of the trash can and start eating it. Just pretend like what I am saying comes from someone actually has it all together. The box of mothering I thought that I needed fit in, has actually been torn up, reworked, and taped back together a thousand different times. 

I have been thinking through the phrase "intentional parenting," here lately. Whether you are an atheist, a banker, an athlete, or a gypsy, we all have values we want our kids to pick up on. Parenting is like bowling. You don't just lob the ball down the alley in hopes that you get a strike. You get the right sized ball, you line up with the arrows, you take a few steps back, and you aim for the pins. Lobbing the ball haphazardly down the lanes might knock down a few pins, but it also might be knocking them down in the wrong lane. 

*Let me preface myself by saying, there are NO guarantees in parenting. BUT there is common sense and patterns of life habits. This does not mean that we force our children into an occupation or career tract. We are talking character issues, not career ones here. 

1. Helping your children find their voice. Most of the time it's easier if we just tell our kids to stop talking at the dinner table and in public. You avoid statements like, "My  mom and dad like to shower together" or "Why are boogers sticky?" But you also avoid questions such as, "If God loves everybody, why do some people go to hell?" This takes figuring out how to give your kids space to talk. Because of our large family size, we have had to resort to raising hands at dinner. While it sounds sterile, it gives everyone the peace of mind that they will get a chance. 

If we are in public and they want to talk to us, they put their hand on our arm and wait for us to acknowledge them. It would be easier to shoo them away, but that would also steal their desire to contribute. Our family values children who care enough to contribute. But if you don't allow them to have a voice when they are young, by the time they are teenagers, you will merely get silence and apathy. Let them participate in adult discussions. Have them be the ones who ask your dinner guests the first few questions. 

2. Do exercises for desired traits. We strongly value analytical thinking. That means we do logic puzzles for homeschool and play strategy games for fun. We are constantly asking questions like, "If there is a bowl and a spoon at the dinner table, what can you conclude we are having for dinner?" Simple things that keep their mind aware of putting pieces together. 

Maybe you are wanting your kids to be clear communicators. To that end, you would need to have them give brief presentations at dinner, describe an event in their own words, read the dinner menu out loud while trying to persuade you to order the night's special. 

Maybe you want your child to be artistically expressive. There should be an open, messy space where they can go to create without worrying about staining the curtains. Let them use your camera on an outing and then mess around with a photo editing software. Pull up Garage Band and let them compose their own music without you looking over their shoulders. If they want to do homeschool as a Jedi or naked Batman, let 'em. 

3. Building character, requires building materials. If you want your children to love and serve the community, then you need to give them chances to be in those environments at a young age. Last year, we had a family who jumped on a plane with 5-year old and 3-year old boys. Certainly it was not for the joy of traveling 26 hours with young boys that possessed them to buy tickets to come over. This family desires to raise children who love other cultures and desire to see God's work playing out around the globe. This took sacrifice and time on their part. It was hard and exhausting for them. But one year later and their boys are still asking about China. 

If you want your kids to love orphans, then find a care center around you and do play dates with those kids; volunteer at a pregnancy assistance home; befriend a family who has adopted and let you children ask those parents questions. You can't wake up one day and expect your 16-year old son to all of the sudden be overwhelmed with compassion for the orphans. It has to become normalized for him to think outside of himself and his Xbox. 

SimpleMom has some wonderful posts about living and parenting with intention.


I'm going to leave it at this for now. I like to try and keep things short enough for you to hide in your bathroom and read for the 5 minutes before your kids have another question. I hope this helps. It has really helped hubs and I keep ourselves focused. It's easy to look around and want certain things for your children. Pray and decide what your 3-4 are going to be and put both feet in. Don't look around and change out your vision for someone else's. Trust that what God has put in your heart is on purpose, and go with it. 

Parents, Grow Some Kahunas!

I just got home from running in the rain and listening to rap music. I am feeling both empowered and opinionated. As I ran, the music started talking about all the trappings that temptation throws at us. I began to think about parenting and protecting our children from the nets that ensnare their hearts.

As a Christian parent, our aim is NOT to make our kids the most popular, the best athlete, or the most talented piano player in the state. Should they do these things for the glory of God? Yes. Should these things require you to sacrifice your family and your God? No. Never.

When I worked with youth, I would get parents calling me in tears because their kids had found some guy on the internet and they were exchanging inappropriate emails. Or a parent who couldn't get their kids to make eye contact at the dinner table because their eyes were locked to their cell phone. I would look at these parents in the eye and say, "Then take the computer out of their room. They can write reports for school in the kitchen on the computer. Take the tv out of their room. If you want a relationship with your kids, you've got to take away other distractions. Kids don't need a tv in their room. Take their cell phone away after 5 p.m. If their friends want to talk about physics on the phone, then they can do it in the living room with their physics book in front of them and you in the kitchen doing dishes so you can hear the conversation."

And you know what? I would get parents arguing with me that their children need privacy, their own lives, to be able to make grown up decisions. There will be plenty of time for them to do that after they leave your house and start paying their own bills.

Here's another thing: chances are, your kid isn't going to be the next Nolan Ryan. Sports have become the American God. Parents get frustrated when, at 15, their kids want nothing to do with God or the church. Well here's the deal, the parents have taught the kid that church is second priority to baseball games, soccer tournaments and cheerleading competitions. You teach your kids how to prioritize by looking at where we as parents decide to spend our time as a family. You've only got 18 years to set these types of life habits for your kids.

Parents, we need to GROW SOME KAHUNAS and take the wheel from our children in their upbringing. They will be steering the ship after they leave the house. For now, they don't need their doors closed, they don't need video games in their room, they don't need to go to "the party of the year." They need to be loved, guided, taught, steered and disciplined.

Some of our parenting heros once wisely told us,"Parent now, be friends later." Don't fall for what the world tells you is a priority for you kids. Look to the Bible and figure out what God deems most valuable. Some of those things being, loving justice, showing mercy, serving orphans, and praying continually. Those things are radically different than what the world is shouting at us as parents. But I will submit to you that these are the things that will last both here on earth and in the scope of eternity.

Choice Limitations=Parenting Freedom

With 5 kids, there are a few things that we have discovered that provide sanity to our daily lives.  As of today, our kids are 9, 7, 5, 3 (4 next week) and 3.  5 kids under 10 can bring 100 gray hairs before 40.  BUT, it can also bring tons of fun, laughter and stories to tell at the wedding.

One of the most important for us is choice limitations.

There, I said it.

I am going to butt straight up against the American ideal of freedom and say that kids needs limits.  And I mean not just "don't touch the electrical socket or play with butcher knives"  type of limits.  I mean daily limits to even trivial choices.  Now, this will look different for my 9 year old than it will for my 3 year old.  As they get older, hopefully they can handle more freedom to choose by themselves.  But, if they haven't learned how to make choices as a toddler, than they certainly won't be able to make them as a teenager battling hormones and peer pressure.

This all started when my oldest daughter was 3.  Hubs told her to take off her shoes.  She refused.  My husband told her to stay in her room until she had taken off her shoes.  3 1/2 hours later, she was ready to  give in.  It was at this point that we realized we had taken a wrong path somewhere along the way.  We called for a huddle.  We did some reading and decided to start limiting her choices.  See, we had done like most typical Western parents do and had given our 3 year old tons of choices in her day.  So, when it came time for us to impose a limit on her, she decided that she didn't want to do it our way.  Why should she?  We had been giving her all these choices all day long.  For example:

1.  A kid gets up in the morning and I give them milk.  "But Mom, I want juice".  No big deal, I give them juice.

2.  I give them Cheerios.  "Mom, can I please have Fruit Loops?"  Because she asked so nicely, I give it to her.

3.  "Oh Mommy, I don't want the blue bowl, I want the orange one."


Do you see this pattern?  I know these all seem like such trivial things, but what I am telling my child is that they can dictate what they can and cannot have.  As a parent, I had also bought into the lie that giving my 3 year old tons of choices, it was teaching them independence and discernment.  The wrong thinking in this is that a 3 year old needs to be guided into what good thinking and independence really means.  This is usually the scene that follows a morning like I've laid out above:

1.  I tell my daughter to come here and put her lunch plate away.  Flailing and pouting will occur because she doesn't want to do it.  All of the sudden I am imposing a rule on her.  She has been her own boss all morning and all of the sudden I'm jumping in and taking over.


This can all happen so subtly that you don't even realize what's going on. All you know is that your kid is throwing fits every time they don't get what they want.

When hubs and I see that we are slacking in this area, we have to have a time of retraining for the kids and ourselves.  Honestly, training us as parents can be even harder than the kids.  For several days, we have to enact a choices boot camp.  We give them virtually no choices in their day.  I simply give them milk, Cheerios and the blue bowl.  If they don't like it, I just take it away.  Simple.  At first they argue, complain and cry. Eventually they realize that I'm in charge again and they fall in line.  At 3, they cannot differentiate between simple (what cup to choose) and moral choices (should I hit my sister).  We have to help them understand that they cannot simply do or get whatever their little hearts tell them.

After a few days of no choices whatsoever and a changed attitude, we slowly start introducing choices back into their day.  Maybe I let them pick juice or milk.  But those are the ONLY two choices.  No third option that they throw out.  And sometimes we just arbitrarily choice limit even our older ones, just to remind them that we are in charge here.

Choice limiting has radically changed our family.  They become more grateful when we say 'yes' and they find it easier to obey right away, all the way and with a joyful heart.

Chinese Mothering Controversy

We've had lots of people ask our opinions about the article on Chinese parenting.

This excerpt has stirred much angst here in the States. I don't know if I have it in me to dissect this article and do a full comparison of Chinese and American mothering. There's too much back ground that would need to be given on both sides. Honestly, it could fill up an entire blog.





I've widdled down the premise to two things that have to be decided when you embark on parenting.

1. What is my definition of 'LOVE'?

John Piper puts it beautifully by saying this:

The love of God is not God's making much of us, but God's saving us from self-centeredness so that we can enjoy making much of him forever. And our love to others is not our making much of them, but helping them to find satisfaction in making much of God. True love aims at satisfying people in the glory of God. Any love that terminates on man is eventually destructive. It does not lead people to the only lasting joy, namely, God. Love must be God-centered, or it is not true love; it leaves people without their final hope of joy.

As an American parent, our default setting is to love our children by making them happy. As a Chinese parent, they love their children by making sure they don't get sick and study hard. They love their children by assuring that they will have opportunities in the future.

We need to ask a few questions as we decide how we want to love our children:

a. What does it mean to express love to them?

b. What does it mean to receive love back from them?

c. Practically in my day, what does love look like as I parent them?




2. When I envision my child at 18, what do I want him or her to look like?

At all the homeschool conferences I go to, they encourage us to do a little self-reflection. We make a list of about 10 things that we want for our kids by the time they turn 18.

For example, we want our kids:

a. To love serving others.

b. Be able to share the gospel clearly with others

c. To love have a curiosity that spurs on their love for learning

d. Have a global awareness.

e. Understand how to put together a logical argument

These are just a few of ours. But, if my goal for my children was to have them be the top mathematician in their school, then I would start at 5 and drill in math facts. By 12, they would be doing algebra and spend many hours a day working out problems. This is where the Chinese parents flourish. They see the end goal and they discipline their children to achieve that goal. Whether you agree with it or not, it is commendable that they stay the course. When their children whine and complain at not liking math, the Chinese parents don't waiver. Some might see this abusive, but Chinese parents see it as very, very loving. See? It all depends on how you define love and what you wish to see your children grow up to become.

In my opinion, the wisdom in the article comes when we step back and question our assumptions. Let us not be parents who just survive until the kids turn 18. Set vision. Stay the course. And pray like there's no tomorrow.

My Favorite Biblical Insight from 2009 (and why it matters to all of us) --Part 2

How does the insight from Romans 6:16-18 discussed in the last post relate to parenting?

First a verse:"As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him." (Psalm 103:13)

This verse has massive implications on our view of Scripture and parenting. We spend much time teaching people how to interpret and understand the Bible, often forgetting how our experience will contribute or hinder that process.

In some respect, my children’s ability to perceive the Lord’s compassion rests on their seeing a picture of it in their father. This is a weighty reality that I can hardly bear. I recall thinking to myself a few years ago, “I can’t teach them this. I’m not all that compassionate. How can they understand this verse?!”

Romans 6:16-18 has helped us understand our moral inability. God alone is the one who frees us such that we are able to obey from the heart. This is not our own choosing. HOW does this relate to parenting?

I frequently lack patience with the mistakes of my children that are due simply to their being children, i.e. from their clumsiness, forgetfulness, poor judgment, short attention span,…. Yet, they can hardly change since they are kids. In much regard, they are unable to do anything else. I tend to have too high of expectations for others and myself.

To address this, I must know what the Bible says about sin and what I have learned from experience—I am unable to change my own heart. I have been a slave to sin and my freedom was granted to me as the cost of Christ’s life. I have a far more serious inability. Theirs is typically intellectual or biological. Mine is moral. The weight of this struggle, my fatigue resulting from my moral impotence ought to ground compassion for my kids, whose weaknesses are relatively minor.

As I have wondered how to become more compassionate, it helps to grasps the full measure of compassion shown in the gospel. Christ did not merely overcome a legal problem—my guilt—He overcome my heart.

Why consistency KILLS legalism in children

Anyone who talks to us about parenting will hear us say at some point, "The hardest part of parenting is not disciplining your children; it's disciplining yourself!" Being consistent in routine, rules, and enforcing standards is fatiguing. The objection against it may be, "You'll exasperate your kids" or "You'll breed legalists". However, I would argue that the number of rules is not the issue; it's the consistency and manner that is the issue. Consistent enforcement of rules will actually FREE our kids.

If God is our standard, we parents could not make up as many rules as we see in Scripture. For every person and circumstance "Love your neighbor" could have infinite applications, all of which would be sins NOT to do if faced with them. The Old Testament law was not easy to keep up with. In other words, God had and HAS a lot of so-called "rules" but no one can say God is trying to make legalists. "Legalism" refers to our trying to secure approval via obeying rules. We make our kids legalists when they think our love for them is conditioned on their compliance; instead, obedience should be the response of love and trust.

By contrast, when we are consistent, kids know what to expect; when we are inconsistent, kids face unpredictable circumstances; parents must repeat themselves even more, thus increasing the number of disciplinary moments. Think about some of our most common "rules": don't hit other people, don't litter, don't cross the street without an adult, etc... Do these rules exasperate our kids? No, because it is the established, clear standard of behaviour. These boundaries become like gravity. It's just life. There's no guessing.

Parents, support one another. Be consistent. If there is imbalance between parents or in enforcement, kids may villainize one parent or feel exasperated.

Encouragement to Parents -- Train up a child?

Many parents meditate on Psalm 22:6, which most translations write as "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." Unfortunately this verse and translation has causes much angst and misled many parents. It's actually a mistranslation that began from the Jerome's Vulgate (the first Latin translation of the Bible). Traditions pushes this translation into newer translations.

The difference in translations makes a world of difference for parents who falsely believe a so-called “promise” only to get discouraged. Rather, the verse is an ironic warning NOT to do.

The Hebrew construction is common enough that we can easily see how it should be translated; NO WHERE is it ever translated "the way he should..." [I can't type Hebrew into blogspot]. It's consistently a possessive pronoun, "...according to his way"

The Hebrew should be rendered "according to his way". Proverbs is full of such ironic warnings. If we are not consistent and give in the the child's sinful desires and childish inclinations, they will not depart from this path their whole life. We can all agree to this wisdom.

The way one commentary puts it is:
In the book of Proverbs there are only two ways that a person can go, the way of the wise or righteousness, and the way of the fool. One takes training, and the other does not. Ralbag, in fact, offered a satirical interpretation: "Train a child according to his evil inclinations (let him have his will) and he will continue in his evil way throughout life" (J. H. Greenstone, Proverbs, 234).