Homeschooling has revealed so many weaknesses in me (which I vomited in this post) that sometimes I feel too fragile to teach my own children. But I'm beginning to understand that this type of fragility is what God wants to use to landscape my soul into something not just useful, but holy. God doesn't just want to use me as a vessel, but he wants to make my colors undescribable with human words. He wants my patience and joy and kindness to be so refined that the reflection from them seems to bounce like a chiseled prism held to the sun.These types of things don't happen by things being easy.
The kids and I were reading Isaiah 41 this week and my mind has fixated on verse 10 and 13:
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
And,
"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you."
I don't have to carry this load myself. It seems so simple when I type those words, but actually burying my face in surrender and not just giving up is quite another feat. Several times I have envisioned the Lord sitting by my bed while I'm angry, frustrated, tired, or pouting and he brushes back my hair to look at my face. In his mercy, he bends. He speaks directly into my eyes, his words slowing my rapidly beating heart. He whispers promises to a weary mom's soul:
"I am here.
You don't have to fear. I'm ultimately in charge of the well-being and education of your children.
I will be the one to breathe strength into your days, stop trying so hard to do this by yourself.
I got this.
This is going to be hard. You are on the struggling, incomplete side of eternity. Remember that and find comfort in the fact that one day, I'm going to make all things new. That's hope.
Take my hand, stand up, dust yourself off, get out there, and saturate yourself in this gift I'm giving you. This homeschooling deal...it's a gift I'm giving you. Don't forget that.
You don't have to be a perfect teacher, you just have to be a mom who's vulnerable and forgiven. Being that for your kids will be more than teaching them why Rome fell.
Stop looking at what other people are doing and look at me to remember why you are doing this. It's not for them, it's for me."
In both of those Isaiah verses, the Lord refers to using his right hand. This was the hand used to make contracts and promises. It's a promise of faithfulness and strength. As adults, we forget that we are also his children. We try to keep it together when sometimes we just need to curl up in God's words and listen to him tell us that things are going to be OK.
I'm holding on to these things this week. You see, God never promises this to be easy, he simply promises to be faithful. In these hard things, our eyes regain their focus on Jesus and off of ourselves.
That is a grace and I'm choosing to hold onto that today.
